Eli, Peyton, Meet Cain, Abel: FanDuel’s Kick Of Destiny Gets Biblical (With Betting Tips!)

And now, prepare yourselves for what may be the least actionable bit of inside information in the history of gambling. I’m being serious. You may as well just skip the next paragraph.

“Truthfully, I don’t have much insight,” my terrible source told me about Eli Manning’s workout regimen. “It’s a class, so everyone does the same thing and it’s hard to focus on anyone but yourself. He’s clearly very strong.”

There you have it: Eli Manning, very strong.

This does not help us in any way imaginable when considering who will win FanDuel’s “Kick of Destiny” between Eli and his brother Peyton come Super Bowl Sunday.

For those who have no idea what I’m talking about, a quick primer: Go to FanDuel, pick who you think will win a field goal contest between the two brothers, and if you choose right, you get to share in $10 million in bonus bets. And while — obviously — this is going to get chopped up a zillion ways, last year’s Kick of Destiny paid out $36 and change to everyone who correctly predicted Rob Gronkowski would miss for the second year in a row. Which ain’t nuthin’.

Anyway, here are the rules, verbatim from FanDuel:

• Peyton & Eli Manning will face off in a field goal kicking competition
• Each kicker will attempt a 25-yard kick 
• If the first kicker makes, the second kicker is given a chance to tie 
• If the first kicker misses, the second kicker is given a chance to win
• If both kickers miss, they move 5 yards closer; if both make, they stay put until there’s a winner
• If no winner is decided after 3 rounds, the kicker who kicked it closest to the center target on the net in the third round wins the tiebreaker

So: Who will win? I thought maybe my friend who happens to work out at the same gym as Eli would have insight, but, alas, he didn’t.

As a result, we’re going to have to get a little more nuanced when it comes to picking a winner.

Dangerous basketball

I broke my brother’s glasses. 

We were playing one-on-one basketball in our childhood driveway a few years ago. We were both back home for Passover, and the two of us — and our dad — went out to shoot some hoops.

“Shooting hoops” quickly devolved into my brother and I going at it. 

Now, a few things here. Neither one of us were NBA superstars. Nor did we play in college. We didn’t play high school ball either. No rec stuff. In short: We are not basketball players. This, of course, did not stop us from playing an increasingly physical game of one-on-one, which ended after I accidentally — I swear — broke his glasses. Not even sure how it happened, but some part of my body collided with his stupid head and that was that.

Why were we playing so hard? 

Because we’re brothers. That’s the nature of it. There is no such thing as “friendly competition” when it comes to brothers. It gets biblical, every single time.

CAIN: You wanna shoot some hoops?

ABEL: Sure!

Five minutes later …

CAIN: Ah, crap.

And while Peyton and Eli are Super Bowl winning quarterbacks, multi-millionaires, and at least one of them is — confirmed — “very strong,” I highly doubt the competitive nature that is in the DNA of brothers will be put aside for this promotion.

I honestly, no joke, for real for real, believe each will be kicking to win.

Is there an edge here?

You know, I think there is, and I think it favors Eli.

Psychology and physicality

From a psychological perspective — and please note I did take Psychology 100 in college, and once half-dated a psychology major (the “half” is that she wasn’t completely aware we were dating) — I think Eli has a leg up.

He’s the younger brother, by about five years. And this counts. Basically, they’re both quarterbacks, and if this was a quarterback skills competition, no way older brother Peyton loses. It would be an embarrassment. He’d never live it down. Plus Eli would undoubtedly be pressing.

But kicking? Peyton could lose, and it doesn’t matter to the big brother/little brother dynamic. It’s not something they have battled over. So I think — again, based on brotherly psych — Eli probably wants this a little more. He’d be proud of it. 

Psych edge, Eli.

Then there’s the actual physicality of it.

We — oh man, can’t believe I’m going back here — actually do know Eli is in great shape, thanks to my source. I assume Peyton is as well, but we know Eli is. Plus, he’s almost five years younger. Peyton is 48, Eli just turned 44. And as someone who has personally hit both those age milestones, allow me to say there is a difference. I mean, math: At 48, you’re realizing you’re almost 50. At 44, you’re still convincing yourself you’re in your very, very, very late 30s.

Then there are the actual physical dimensions of these two. They’re both listed at 6’5”, but Eli is 12 pounds lighter at 218, per StatMuse.

Then — and this may be a “best for last” situation — there’s this interview with the two of them, their father Archie, and Rick Reilly for ESPN. This was from 2011. Some highlights:

• When asked who the better athlete is, Eli answered that it was him, without argument from Peyton. (He then discusses a basketball game between the two of them that was described as “tackle basketball.” Brothers, amirite?)
• They both agree Eil is faster, and Peyton admits to always having a “little hammy problem.”
• In a shocking admission, Peyton said Eli once gave him a wedgie, completely upending the big brother/little brother dynamic.

A lot to chew on up there, but it would seem when it comes to athleticism … edge, Eli.

Lastly, I think Eli is the choice due to game theory. Well, “game theory” is strong, but I think more people will pick Peyton, so if Eli wins, the winning bonus bets are bigger.

Obviously, though, the big winner here is FanDuel, as I — and countless others — have been covering this like it’s the Kennedy-Nixon debates. What a world.